All the single people...

Partnering up is not the only option in life.

A couple of years ago, I signed up for salsa lessons — the dancing kind, not the salsa that goes with nachos. I had taken similar lessons in 2011, had so much fun, and was looking forward to trying again.  

I went alone, thinking there would be men there I could dance with. But there wasn’t. Every other student was in a couple. Okay, I danced with the volunteer student helper, who was a fabulous dancer, but he had to help with the class.  

I was singled out and it didn’t feel great.  

So, I contacted the dance school and signed up for pole dancing classes instead. I didn’t need a partner, just a pole.  

That didn’t go so well either. It turns out you need significant upper body strength to whip yourself around that pole, although I could sashay well. And my then 51-year-old body didn’t have what it took.  

Last December, I saw an online notice for another salsa dance class that said “no partner required.” I thought about signing up, but I also thought “no partner required” would be a good title for a blog on living the single life. I mentioned this to a friend, another longtime singleton, who said, “DO IT!” 

So, here we are.  

We read and hear a lot about married life and relationships, but I want to write about being single. There are more of us out there. So, why don’t our relationships, including with ourselves, get as much attention? 

When I was in high school and in my 20s, I never thought about getting married and having children. I thought about other things like going to university, working, making my own money, travelling, and so on. It’s not that I didn’t think I could not do these things if I got married and had children, but I was also aware of how much I could handle. I knew even then I didn’t want it all, as women are often told.  

I was even close to getting married. In my early 20s, I dated a man several years older who I’m sure wanted to get married. But I thought I was too young and had other goals. I was even engaged for a period of time in my late 20s and early 30s. Again, I thought getting married would require that I shift priorities. 

I’m not against marriage and I’d probably even consider getting married now, but not to anyone. At 53, I want to do things that add to my life and I’m not at all convinced getting married would work for me.  

There is, however, a real push to get married and I never always understood it. Kids are encouraged to leave home and be independent. We don’t have the same friends throughout our lifetimes. But for marriage, we’re supposed to believe there is a match for each of us, a lid for every pot, the one person, your soulmate, who you’re meant to be with forever. That’s a lot to ask of a relationship.  

Here’s another thing about me: I do have a kid. She’s now 21 and I can’t and don’t imagine life without her. That adds another dimension to my singlehood experience. I’m a mom and single, but not a single mom.  

This Substack is for all you singles out there. Okay, I will write about my own experiences as a singleton, but not all the time because that would be boring. I will be doing interviews about singledom, linking and commenting on news stories, and other research about singlehood.  

I’d love to hear your stories, too. I’m interested in how you singles live your lives because partnering up is not the only option. I hope and want people to feel good about that!