Rebound Woman

Being the person someone dates after a breakup is like being a superhero.

Photo: Michelle Cassar/Unsplash

I said I wouldn’t write much about my relationship and dating experiences in this blog, but it’s true that some of those experiences have been determining factors in my current singlehood.

I want to talk about one particular kind of relationship: the rebound.

The rebound relationship is the one you have after a breakup and before you move onto another relationship. It’s the in-between relationship of relationships. In a rebound relationship, you’re either the person rebounding or you’re the rebound. I want to talk about my role as the rebound.

I’ve been the rebound a couple of times. I was someone’s rebound for about three years more than a decade ago, and honestly you’d think I’d know better. That guy was a stringer, though. A stringer is a person who loves all the perks of a committed relationship, but with none of the commitment. Stringers aren’t putting a ring on anything, except maybe on that string they’re using to string you along. But that’s for another post.

I won’t detail more about my recent rebound, but it was then that it finally kicked in that rebound relationships suck, for me at least. Now I know better (fingers crossed).

Now, the rebound plays an important role for someone rebounding. You provide fun, a shoulder to lean on, and, well, some other stuff, too, to someone coming out of a bad breakup or divorce. If the person who’s rebounding was in that relationship for a long time, the rebound can help them understand the rules of modern dating. It may also make them more confident in themselves. The rebound can really help someone move on from the hurt of a previous relationship. Being the rebound is like being a superhero. Well, it’s at least a public service in the dating world.

There’s fun for the rebound, too. Lots of dinners out, laughs, attention, and so on.

But it’s not always a good time. Often the rebound plays the role of therapist, helping the person rebounding who is also likely struggling with a divorce, custody battles, an ex they no longer like or understand, and a new life living on their own. It can be a heavy burden to take on.

In middle age, rebound relationships almost can’t be avoided. Everyone is either rebounding or the rebound. People are leaving longtime marriages and relationships, and maybe they have haven’t dated in decades, so it’s all new to them. The rebounds may be rebounding from being are rebound. Rebound is like the dodgeball of dating and can leave quite a sting.

Everyone has emotional and life baggage to carry, but in relationships what matters is how you carry that baggage. Some people are nicely packed with only a few nicks on the corners. Others lose their luggage on the baggage carousel of life and dating, and their bags end up misplaced, damaged, or unclaimed. But almost all of the users’ emotional luggage has been handled too much. Baggage should be the accessories, not the main outfit.

Okay, enough with the baggage metaphors.

While there are no saints in rebound relationships, I was the common denominator in mine. As anti-hero Taylor Swift wrote, “It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.” I was the one choosing and tolerating these relationships, and they were exhausting, not rewarding, and certainly not forever. I was choosing and tolerating being the rebound for reasons and because of my own insecurities.

The end of my last rebound relationship started at the beginning of a global pandemic. That gave me time to reflect while avoiding COVID-19.

Everyone was stuck at home, so dating again wasn’t an option. Time, as it does, heals and life goes on. What I learned during the months that followed was that I felt better on my own. I felt more like myself because I was spending time on myself and not trying to play therapist to someone else. I had to rebound from being the rebound.

Everything else in my life got better, too, including professionally and personally. I was writing more and getting better — okay, that’s for readers to decide. I signed up to learn how to ride horses, which I had long wanted to do. So, I’ve been single ever since. Will that last forever? Who knows. I also wish the rebounding men I’ve dated well. It can be tough out there.

Maybe some rebound relationships stick like Velcro. But if you’re in a rebound relationship now, it’s worth taking a step back to see what you’re getting out of it, and, in therapy speak, set some boundaries.

Sometimes when you’re the rebound you have to save yourself.

Suzanne
Reformed Rebound Woman

P.S.: I don’t have an editor (yet) so forgive the typos. You can message me if you see any that are bothering you. I will have more posts published this week.