Single people are more than statistics and studies
If you look behind the numbers, there are good reasons to go without a partner.
On Friday, I read a statistic that said single women drink more and often suffer from depression more than people who are partnered.
I didn’t delve into the numbers, but my first thought was, “well, that’s not me.”
My second thought was, “I know where they are going with these numbers. They are saying single women are so lonely they are drinking themselves into depression about being single.”
Again, that doesn’t apply to me.
Now, I know anecdotes aren’t data, but single people, particularly single women, are often the subject of study and scrutiny. In a world that loves a good meet-cute or soulmate story, single women don’t follow anyone’s lead, and lots of people hate exceptions to the rule (usually the rule followers).
No doubt there are single women out there who are lonely, would prefer a partner, and perhaps indulge too much in drinking or anything else as a way to fill a void.
But that doesn’t apply to all of us, myself included.
First, I haven’t had a drink in more than a year. I can count on two hands how many drinks I’ve had in the last several years. I am generally a non-drinker, although I may have a glass of wine during a dinner out.
For the most part, I don’t think about drinking. I spent two decades working as a bartender and server, and between that and some personal experience of overdrinking (not mine), I would prefer to avoid situations in which excessive drinking is encouraged. Plus, drinking is pricey, and hangovers are a waste of time.
Second, I am not depressed. I wrote months ago about having anxiety, which certainly wasn’t triggered by my single status. I feel pretty good and now think the anxiety is the result of some mid-life bullshit.
Generally, I consider myself stable, calm, and in a good mood most of the time. Cranky and opinionated at times, to be sure, but no more than the average person, and that grumpiness is not connected to being single. I think I was far crankier and annoyed when I was dating!
I felt a twinge of loneliness several weeks ago. My daughter, who is almost 22, has lived with me for a long time. She now has a full-time job, goes to school, and has a wonderful boyfriend with whom she spends lots of time.
One Friday night I thought I would sign up for an online dating site. Fortunately, that lasted very momentarily. The next day I went horseback riding and that thought never returned. As another single woman on Bluesky recently responded to a post of mine, “the thought of dating is about appealing as a hangover.”
Same girl, same.
It’s not that I have completely lost interest. This summer I very briefly met two men in passing — one via a volunteer gig and another at a gas station stop during a road trip in a very small Nova Scotia town — who made me stop and say, “well, hello there,” at least to myself.
And I did go on a date in June 2023 that was arranged by a matchmaker who I paid $90 for the service. Frankly, I want that $90 back. (I should write about this one day).
That just two men caught my eye in the last more than four years of not dating either says something about me or the pool of men out there. Probably both.
But generally, I don’t have time for dating. It’s seems like, well, such a chore at this point in my life. Like, where do you find people who are not boring or a burden? I can’t stand my own whining let alone that of someone else. Honestly, I feel like I am more fun that men I meet.
Dating also requires a certain amount of tolerance for drama. People my age have lots of baggage and when dating them you have to be willing to help carry that baggage or listen as they unpack it. I am not a fan of this, although some love it as a hobby. For me, as the saying goes, “junior high called. It wants its drama back.”
This morning, I woke up before 7am. I got myself together and headed outside after a week of spending time in front of my computer for work. I went to the city and walked through some gardens and a cemetery to get photos of birds. The birds were smarter than me, though, and it appeared they took heed of the wind and rain warnings and stayed hunkered down.
I then headed out to see some waves crashing on some rocks on a shoreline. I am now home, sitting in drenched clothes, and writing to all of you. There is no drink in front of me and I am feeling in a pretty good mood. I wish it were nicer outside as that’s where I’d be.
Instead, I may make some cookies, take a nap, or write another story. This morning, I thought I should get back to playing my piano. I also am looking forward to my horseback riding lesson tomorrow. I can do all of these things because of the freedom being single gives me.
Because despite what the statistics say, I’m not drinking over my single status at all. And I am willing to bet there are other single people who agreed with me.
As always, thanks for reading,
Suzanne
P.S. If you’re new to my Substack, you can read my past posts here.