Older, single, and lovin' it
Why people over 60 aren't partnering up
I haven’t shared a post in a couple of weeks, but I’m still here, still single, and still writing about it! Thanks to everyone who continues to subscribe. I appreciate it.
In February, the New York Times published this article by Catherine Pearson about why some seniors are single and staying that way.
Pearson interviewed several seniors, including Joy Morton, about their decision to stay single in their golden years. Morton, who is 80 and was married four times, told Pearson she got married when she was younger because in the 1950s and 60s, that’s what was expected of you. Now, she said, she is staying single for one reason: freedom.
Now, she chooses whom she wants to spend time with. And that could mean no one at all: “I really like my own company,” Ms. Lorton said.
I could have written that line myself; it’s the freedom of single life that I enjoy, too. Relationships sometimes have their burdens, although in my case that’s likely because of the choices I made, but now I can make my own schedule, do what I want, when I want without asking or checking in with anyone, and sleep in my bed like a starfish.
Pearson also interviewed Dr. Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who studies single life and who is 70 and single herself. DePaulo said that people are more self-assured when they age, adding there is research that shows “self-confidence peaks between the ages of 60 and 70.”
Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and the author of How to be Single and Happy, told Pearson, “When you’re older, there’s a real sense of: I need to live my best life now.”
People who have been single for any length of time have the benefit of experience and hindsight to show them that it is just as possible to experience joy and peace even without a partner.
Peace: That’s another good word to describe single life!
Morton told Pearson the same thing: “Not only does being single allow me the freedom to make my own life choices, it also gives me the peace I believe that I’ve always craved.”
Of course, there are challenges that come with being single and getting older. Part of that is finances, which I wrote about before, but also as you get older, the chances of you becoming sick and needing a caregiver increase.
Honestly, this is one reason I am single at 53. I am not interested in being anyone’s nurse.
I do think about my own situation and who will take care of me if I were to get sick. I have a now adult daughter but tend to never want to be a burden to anyone. How I will address that if it happens, I don’t know just yet.
But being partnered or married is not a guarantee your spouse will even stick around if you get sick. There are plenty of stories and research that show that men don’t stick around when their wives/female partners become ill. There are conditions that come with the vow “in sickness and in health.”
Poppy Noor with the Guardian wrote about this issue in March 2020, detailing some of the horror stories of women who were diagnosed with chronic illness, such as cancer, and whose spouses split. Here’s what Dana Hurd told Noor about what her spouse wouldn’t help with after she underwent a double mastectomy:
In the months following the surgery, she had tissue expanders in her chest that were rock hard – they felt like Coke cans. “Every time I had to put on a sweater, or zip up a coat it was just excruciating pain,” she says. But she was still able to walk. And so, in the middle of an icy winter, her partner began to expect that she would walk their 45lb dog every day, just five weeks after surgery: “Never mind that I could have died if the dog pulled me over on to my front,” says Hurd.
Noor interviewed Mieke Thomeer, a sociologist from the University of Alabama, whose research includes caregiving roles when one partner in a relationship gets sick.
Noor writes:
Men tend to view their partner getting sick in almost a mechanical way: they see it as a problem to be solved. They can separate out the obvious and immediate physical tasks that result from the illness, but other caregiving requirements are left unconsidered, such as emotional care, or housework.
This means that a lot of the time, women continue to do that work – and when they don’t, problems can arise. In 2018, researchers in Germany used a nationally representative sample to show that – as long as they are still able to – women continue to do an uneven amount of the housework while they are sick if that was the dynamic in the relationship before they became unwell. “Particularly with more mild conditions, the expectation is that the status quo will go on unless it gets so extreme that the wife really can’t do that work,” says Thomeer.
The flip side of this is that relationships tend to function well when the woman gets sick and requires intensive care from her partner. But in cases where caregiving is not necessitated, men tend to downplay a woman’s symptoms and class her as largely self-sufficient, expecting her to ask for help rather than proactively giving it.
Okay, before someone comments “not all men,” I know this! But the gender inequalities, especially around emotional labour, continue well into old age.
There could be better models for single seniors, though, rather than hooking up with someone just to have someone maybe look after you. I suspect this is why women become roommates as they age — think of the Golden Girls. You will have someone to at least watch out for you.
That topic is for another blog, though. As always, your thoughts are welcome. How do you feel about being an older single, and what are the benefits and challenges?
Suzanne
53 and still single