Three words for people who like to give unsolicited advice

"I didn't ask."

Mika Baumeister/Unsplash

There is one sentence that is a sure way to annoy me. It’s “you know what you should do…” usually followed by a piece of advice I never wanted.

I dislike unsolicited advice. It’s not that I don’t ask for advice, but I will ask people I consider to be experts. For example, my horseback riding trainer is an expert and has all kinds of knowledge about horses and riding. So, I listen to her or to the coaches who fill in for her.

I will not listen to some rando who starts horsesplainin’ to me on how to ride.

My unwillingness to do what people tell me to do when I never asked them is generally frowned upon. It’s seen as too independent, too defiant, too stubborn, too rude, too me.

Most of what I do has no effect on anyone else. Why would they care what I do with my time and life in the first place?

It’s not that I succeed and get everything right. I have failed in many things in spectacular ways, including in my dating life, which I wrote about here.

But I prefer, for the most part, to figure out things on my own. And as I said above, I will ask experts for input. If I fuck it up, who cares? My fuck ups aren’t your problem or business. I have learned a lot from my fuck ups. I have also learned to keep a lot to myself. A listening ear is often a running mouth, and all that.

My horseback riding trainer always says, “progress over perfection.” I like that phrase.

Comedienne Michelle Wolf says, you may not be good enough, but “do it anyway.” I like that phrase, too.

When I was thinking about writing this post, I wondered why people give unsolicited advice to others.

There’s this article in Psychology Today that says people who give unsolicited advice do so because they have a grandiose sense of self, they are ruled by compulsion, and they seek order and control.

Of course, as this article says, people give unsolicited advice because they want to be helpful, friendly, or to make a connection.

Here’s what I think: People give unsolicited advice not because they want what’s best for you; they want what’s best for them. Sharing unsolicited advice is a way for people to feel better about themselves, their choices in life, and to keep others in line.

Women especially seem to be targets for unsolicited advice in many ways: for how they look, how they dress, how they work, how they parent, and so on.

When I had my daughter, I briefly followed a couple of online mom groups, but they were filled with so much drama that I left. I think it was when one commenter said giving your baby formula was like giving them cigarettes. Just ridiculous stuff.

So, I listened to my doctor for advice, but my daughter and I also communicated. We figured out things as we went along. She turned out to be amazing.

All this advice is a way to keep women in line. If you’re a woman with her own mind, that upsets and breaks down societal expectations. It also probably pisses off people who did go along with what people told them to do and now they’re resentful about it.

There are entire industries where people get paid to give advice and I have a beef with them. I am talking about the entire life coaching industry. I get that coaches can help in sports, fitness, music lessons, and so on, but I am not sure how someone can provide advice on the entire lives of their clients.

I read somewhere, and I can’t remember where, that some people become life coaches because they love being in the drama of someone else’s mess. And in many cases, life coaches own lives are a disaster. Some people can dish out advice but not take it, so they figure they might as well get paid for dishing it out.

Not to mention, the life coaching industry isn’t regulated, so anyone can call themselves a life coach.

So, here’s my best response to anyone offering you unsolicited advice: “I didn’t ask.”

As always, thanks for reading,

Suzanne